[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?