馃崬馃
You Might Also Like
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I don鈥檛 drink and drive because I can鈥檛 ever find my car keys when I鈥檓 sober.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The look of utter betrayal on my son鈥檚 face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The wife and I decided we鈥檙e gonna try and have another baby so now she鈥檚 distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Perfection.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they鈥檝e sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.