Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
This is a whole mood;
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Childbirth is so beautiful
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.