I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“I wouldn’t.”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Stop.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.