*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.