My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me too door. Me too.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”