Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray