Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.