accurate
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Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”