Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on