billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.