If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
A classic…
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.