Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother