Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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huge if true: the moon
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Omg 🤣