Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You Might Also Like
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
This fish is cracking me up
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?