Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbieEvansXO's best tweets

@AbbieEvansXO : Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: [handing me $20] here's your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here's yours

@AbbieEvansXO: Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

@AbbieEvansXO: King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

@AbbieEvansXO: Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I'm not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

@AbbieEvansXO: The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

@AbbieEvansXO: Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] ...oh