@AbbieEvansXO: Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
@AbbieEvansXO: [husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should've agreed to this, it's only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
@AbbieEvansXO: Dark Lord: come join the dark side
Me: I would never
Dark Lord: the good side makes everyone go around in a circle and say something about themselves
Me: I’m joining the dark side
@AbbieEvansXO: Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
@AbbieEvansXO: “god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
@AbbieEvansXO: Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
@AbbieEvansXO: THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator...
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
@AbbieEvansXO: [at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn't be working here. you're a human being
Waitress: look, it's my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
@AbbieEvansXO: SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can't hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did