Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbieEvansXO's best tweets

@AbbieEvansXO : Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist? Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

@AbbieEvansXO: Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

@AbbieEvansXO: Pulling out my pony tail and taking off my glasses, I turn to the mirror to see if I’ve become a hot girl and gasp at the transformation – no more a homely nerd, I am now a blurry blob

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@AbbieEvansXO: Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@AbbieEvansXO: Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it's not another goat is it

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem

@AbbieEvansXO: [going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@AbbieEvansXO: Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no