Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbieEvansXO's best tweets

@AbbieEvansXO : My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk Me: what about

@AbbieEvansXO: [18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@AbbieEvansXO: Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you're the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

@AbbieEvansXO: [when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

@AbbieEvansXO: [alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

@AbbieEvansXO: Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

@AbbieEvansXO: Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

@AbbieEvansXO: Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no