Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbieEvansXO's best tweets

@AbbieEvansXO : Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain Mary: Jesus stop complaining

@AbbieEvansXO: Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@AbbieEvansXO: [normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

@AbbieEvansXO: [during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there's only one season of firefly

@AbbieEvansXO: Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

@AbbieEvansXO: [Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@AbbieEvansXO: Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

@AbbieEvansXO: Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw