Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AbbieEvansXO's best tweets

@AbbieEvansXO : [two weeks into the zombie apocalypse] Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

@AbbieEvansXO: Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@AbbieEvansXO: [husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should've agreed to this, it's only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

@AbbieEvansXO: Dark Lord: come join the dark side
Me: I would never
Dark Lord: the good side makes everyone go around in a circle and say something about themselves
Me: I’m joining the dark side

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

@AbbieEvansXO: “god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

@AbbieEvansXO: Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

@AbbieEvansXO: THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator...

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

@AbbieEvansXO: [at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn't be working here. you're a human being

Waitress: look, it's my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

@AbbieEvansXO: SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can't hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did