boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
is this a warning or an offer?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film