JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
2022: I can fix it
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.