[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
You Might Also Like
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.