[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
HERE’S MARKY
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.