When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.