If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room