The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
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im all 3
stop
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!