Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Adyaces's best tweets

@Adyaces : Doc: You need to lose some weight. Me: How? Dr: Don't eat anything fatty. Me: Like pies and chips? Dr: No. Don't eat anything, fatty.

@Adyaces: No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won't come out. Are you stuck? I think you're stuck.

@Adyaces: Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It's my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there's Homer, Bart....

@Adyaces: Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she'd seen a bin opened like that before.

@Adyaces: Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@Adyaces: The first time I stayed at my girlfriends' house, her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Shame, he's very attractive.

@Adyaces: Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

@Adyaces: Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@Adyaces: Never trust couscous. It's just fat sand.

@Adyaces: The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.