Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I think my mom just blocked me
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.