me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
You Might Also Like
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’d use my best pan on you.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?