For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Stop being racist to kettles.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk