They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Bartenders are just boneless bars