goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond