Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰