Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.