Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
The options really are this bad
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-