WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You Might Also Like
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Here’s a meme
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
This story is comedy gold 😂
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.