Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
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12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything