“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses