A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
You Might Also Like
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation