Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Found the job I’m suited for
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.