Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix