I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
*updates tinder bio*
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
An odd boast
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?