SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Something Saturday.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to