Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring