Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
⛄️
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023