What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?