Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AnkCoupleTO's best tweets

@AnkCoupleTO : Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist

@AnkCoupleTO: [in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I'm way ahead of you

@AnkCoupleTO: If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn't be writing this bullshit on the internet right now

@AnkCoupleTO: [doing crossword]

Me: I'm looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing 'our sex life'* thanks

@AnkCoupleTO: Me: You're gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c'mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*

@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

@AnkCoupleTO: [3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you're scared
Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

@AnkCoupleTO: I'm trying to convince this guy that 'jesus is the reason for the season' but loansharks have a different perspective

@AnkCoupleTO: Genie: I'll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

@AnkCoupleTO: 1st Anniversary: Let's go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun