Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
this is how life feels
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.