So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Love is in the air fryer.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.