If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
girls literally only want one thing..
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs