there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
You Might Also Like
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn