Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
#oldknees
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table