Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AristotlesNZ's best tweets

@AristotlesNZ : Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: .. Me: .. 4yo: I don't have any other feet.. Me: Fair enough.

@AristotlesNZ: Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.

@AristotlesNZ: Me: Are these your kids?
Boss: "Yep"
They're gorgeous!
"Thanks"
Step kids?
"Nope"
Adopted?
"No.."
..
".."
She's cheating on you..
"Get out"

@AristotlesNZ: Cop: "You been drinkin?"
Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny
"You're free to go.."
Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?

@AristotlesNZ: Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: "Nothing. I'm good."
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
"Seriously, knock it off."
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
"I can see that..

@AristotlesNZ: I don't know how you women do it. Every time I try to "sleep my way to the top" I get woken up and sent to HR.

@AristotlesNZ: Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*

@AristotlesNZ: OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.

@AristotlesNZ: Me: There's a real fat one on the other team!
Her: "My son's not fat!"
How you know I was talking about him?
"Cuz he's the.."
Fat one?
"Ya."

@AristotlesNZ: Me: BOOP! teehee!
Cop: ..
Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?