Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Proctology is located in A55
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.