[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”