I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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These 3D printers are insane!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Cheers Twitter.